My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
