we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
