I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
