I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
