$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
