I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
