Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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