I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He? As in you personified your dick?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
