Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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