then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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