and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
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I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
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That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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