One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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