i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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