I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
