Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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