The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
