Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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