YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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