would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she pinky promised me she was 18
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
