She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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