she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
