The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
