meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
