you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
