I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
