he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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