i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
