i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
