Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
