hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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