You made me cry and you don't even care
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
