I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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