The maid of honor just puked.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
