Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
