2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
