I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
