my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
