the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
