I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
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