I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
