I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
