Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
