why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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