Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
