wake up i wanna do it froggy style
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
