how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
