Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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