my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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