umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
