last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
