The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize