There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
