So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Your cock deserves a montage
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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