I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
