This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
