a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
