Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
