Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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