After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
