i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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